The Fallen~Sparrow~Hawk; The mortal mirror

The Mortal mirror                                                                 March 1, 2002

Today a light aircraft was doing loops and dives. At one point, it climbed high in the sky then dipped its’ nose earthward and in, in mid-dive, the engine cut, stalled. For a moment, standing below, I watched and waited for an imminent crash. Just before the plane was to disappear beyond the skyline, the engine started up again and the plane swooped up into the sky again. I applauded.

Alison said I mustn’t say too much to Roy. “Never use the word ‘living’ at the Doon, always say ‘staying’ ”.  There not being permission for permanent dwellings on the land. Alison’s’ words of warning reminded me of the matriarchal character played by Tilda Swinton in the film of The Beach by Alex Garland; the secrecy aspect of the hidden beach. Alison said Maddy should contact her before contacting the midwives in case she blurted out that she had come to the UK because French midwives refused an outdoor birth. Alison doesn’t want the impression given that people will turn up on a regular basis from across Europe to “drop a sprog” in the woods.

Maddy and Tristan have gone to collect some belongings somewhere near Glasgow. She apparently has an old bender nearby... I personally think she is cutting it fine. She doesn’t have the energy and she wants a bender built and by Tristan and all kinds of heavy stuff lugged up to the site of her birthing home. She, Maddy, has offered me the bender once she has had the baby.

That’s okay, but it comes with the condition I help build it and lug stuff up. I don’t know if I want to get involved in the intimacy of building a dwelling for a man and a woman to have a child; becoming involved in the drama of it all and then being shut outside and left alone at the end of it; I’m kind of going through that at the moment with Mark. The location of the bender isn’t an incentive either, though the building of a good bender is. I’ll get equipment etc, it will probably involve a couple of days lugging and building and that’s it; I’ll go to Glasgow to minimise contact. I don’t think Tristan should go away. I’ll tell him that. I don’t want to feel responsible for the well-being of a child; I don’t drive and I don’t want to run the risk of something going wrong. Discuss.