The Fallen~Sparrow~Hawk

Existential Angst                             February 16, 2002

The London to Edinburgh train. I have envisaged making a break from London, a final break, for a while now. Now that I am doing it, I feel slightly sad, mostly exhausted and not a small inkling that I am, in fact, running away.

It feels like a terrible wrench. The burden that this train is carrying is heavier than my book-laden rucksack, my jalopy of a laptop and my suit put together.

I feel all the heavier because I feel spent. Spent in every sense of the word. I have tried to send out CDs to record companies, 40CDs of my music, discovered I am unloved by my mother and always will be, buried friends and listened to friends and lovers who have lost both. I have been to court cases as clerk and interpreter deciding the fate of children, criminals and immigrants. I have made hundreds of naïve phone calls following up CVs, I have sent copies of my book out and it is still out there……I have earned roughly £39 a week.

So, I’m leaving. Defeated, broke, loveless and in debt and exhausted again.

I feel empty, drained, wooden, cheap. Most of all I feel cheap. My energy has been dispersed for nothing. I cannot afford to live anywhere in London, £110, £150 a week. 24 years of age and no partner, house, money or family or anything consistent.

Mark, off the mark, more like it. If only, he could make up his mind. I could have stayed in London for him. Gone anywhere together, as couples do. What is this, people who plan to live alone, like myself,; take the path of least resistance.

Am I delusional or is there really nothing I can do. He cannot commit to me or Debbie or staying or going. He is going to miss out.

I hope God keeps me strong and protects me in Scotland.

To think I found the person I love yet I can’t have him. I just thought, some white guys assume an attitude of superiority vis-à-vis coloured guys. His exes; Diego, Bruno, me; I have shown strength I must continue.